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September 04 The Lion and the UnicornThe magic lingers… I start writing and stop… I am still searching for words: carefully, cautiously, hardly believing that life can be so hear-breakingly beautiful at times… Legends, chivalry, childhood dreams… Scotland, England: highlanders, knights, clash of armor, bagpipe tunes, heather, cliffs towering over the sea, beacons in the night on an empty shore, sound of wind in the golden fields under golden sunshine, old castle ruins, new friends, laughter, spooky stories at the graveyard, intricate ornaments of Celtic crosses, white Tower of London, white sails on the river, night train across the country with the moon riding the clouded skies behind the window, a street festival in a gorgeous city, tartan wool, cries of seagulls… All of that and much more packed into one week. As my mind picks an image after image, like little jewels to be stored in the treasure chest of memory, the magic lingers… April 20 Whatever doesn't kill me...They say, whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. True in most of the cases, I guess. The question is, do I really want to get THAT strong? Sure, being tough seems to be a useful thing: one can achieve a lot. Also, people tend to respect strong personalities. Respect. But are strong people loved? Are they offered a helping hand, and encouraging smile, a hug, a pat on a shoulder when things go wrong. Because, believe it or not, things go wrong with "strong" people as they do with anyone else. Are the "strong" ones allowed to break down and cry without utterly alarming their friends? That's why I cry alone. It's not pride - believe me! It's just because I know, only being alone I can cry my heart out. In any other case I'll start thinking, "ok, get a grip or yourself, or they'll be seriously worried." Being "tough" is a very lonely business. It was never a counscious choice, yet, once you chose that path it leads you on and on through life. People who are attracted to me are usually those who long for strength to help them through. They have little of their own, so they rely on others' Now comes the saddest part of it all. Most of the time the "strong" people find their happiness exactly in this kind of assymmetrical relationships (friendship or romance alike) - protecting, supporting, taking care of and so on. Not me! I can do that and do that well, but it drains me. Yet, the "tougher" you get the more difficult it becomes to find someone equal, or rather, someone who would see you as equal, won't be intimidated with whatever "strength" they see in you, would understand that "even heaven cries" as they sing in one of these songs on the radio nowadays. I just wish I would somehow loose this image of being "tough" and would be seen for what I am. Yes, I can go through a lot of stuff on my own, will survive, won't complain, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate an encouraging smile, a hug, a "let me help you and take care of you at least for a while" kind of attitude. January 24 Life goes on :-)Haven't been here for a while. It's true that my blog turns out to be sad. It's just because I turn to writing when things get really bad. It's a way to spill out and neutralise the negative energy that burns me from inside and a way to process the troubles. To put things into words makes me understand them better. Thanks for all the comments by the way :-) You are a great source of support and wisdom. Much appretiated.
Anyways, I feel like easing the atmosphere after the last, the gloomiest and the most bitter post that I've got here. It's all fine :-) Life is back to normal again and I am doing just fine. Stay in touch... October 28 Why?I wish I could hurt people who hurt me… Seriously… I wish I could hate them. To return somehow the pain they’ve caused me, to make them fully feel it – like I felt it; cry and gasp for air crouched in a dark corner – like I did. Wouldn’t it be fair? Why can’t I? I can be rough with people, I can try and purposively harm those I disapprove of, sometimes I feel outraged by some and I truly hate and curse them, but I cannot bring myself to curse the very few people in my life who’ve seriously hurt me. Why? I guess because you can’t really hurt me unless you’re very dear to me. I am usually well protected and don’t let my guard down easily. And then it happens I gasp with pain and wish I could hit back. I can’t… I close my eyes and clench my teeth. Doesn’t matter, let it pass, put up a face, fake a smile. I’m hiding my tears not because I’m too proud to cry, but because I don’t want to upset people who made my cry. Isn’t that pathetic? I don’t think they ever know how much they hurt me – these very few, very exceptional people in my life. Why don’t I let them know? Why? April 07 Mission “Self-Healing”I am an introvert. Surprised? Well, I guess there are just a few people who know me really well. I can be very social, easy-going, enjoying myself in a merry company; I am a good presenter and often a natural and effective leader. Yet I am an introvert and a very clear one. That means: people and events do not energize me. More than that, they can be quite tiring even draining after a while. It is the inner world where introverts get their energy from and I know it all too well. Here at IUB life is so intense and in a way exposed. I often get this feeling of being drained. The bad thing is that sometimes it accumulates slowly as a growing shadow in the back of my mind, but there is always stuff to do, student government issues that need to be addressed, something has to be discussed, coordinated, directed, someone asks for advice, a helping hand is needed, a friend invites you for a tea, there’s a birthday get-together, and we wanted to watch that movie, remember? And so on and so forth. But I need to slow down, to stop for a while, to be by myself ESPECIALLY if things are not too good in my life in general. Solitude is my medicine, not trying to have fun on a party to forget about my problems. Sometimes it happens very suddenly – I realize that I need to cut off the whole world. Log off from the messengers, shut the door, turn off the lights, light some candles, play my guitar, play computer games, go for a lonely walk, lay on the campus green and stare into the sky, write a diary, write a story, watch a movie – alone. The peace, the balance, the strength to carry on, the healing that I need – all of it I can find in my inner world. For sure, I talk about my problems with my friends – no one can cope with everything on his or her own. I take their advice and appreciate their support. But that’s an “extreme emergency” measure. And even that has to work its effect through quiet solitude, through isolation and self-healing. But even when things are not too bad, I still need to spend quite some time by myself and time is a precious resource here. So don’t be surprise if I withdraw for a while. That just means the “battery” is low and I am off to re-charge it. Just let me be. Mission “Self-Healing” is in progress. February 24 24th of FebruaryI used to like this date. It’s one day after my mom’s birthday and also the birthday of one of my best friends. We used to sit at the same desk in high school. She is an unquenchable optimist. I bet our “high school gang” is going to meet at her place today – at least those who are in the city. Well, I am thousands of miles away, too bad for me… Luckily I have friends here too, who can help me coping with the 24th of February. I woke up this morning to bright sunshine and blue sky, with the happiness from yesterday still lingering on, especially as I folded up my precious new sari (oh, I felt like a princess wearing it, and I was treated like one – to receive such a present…) Yet, gradually the shadow of the past gets a grip of me. It happened three years ago, on a sunny day, just like today. We were on a ski-mountaineering trip in Switzerland – a group of German friends (half of them mountain guides) and me. It was the last day: the last trip to the top of the mountain called Wengahon. The whole group was already on the top, waiting for me and my friend, who hanged back to be by my side – I am a very slow walker. Some 100 more meters and we’ll join them. Seeing us approaching and getting cold in the wind on the top, some of them decide not to wait any longer and start the last wonderful thrilling decent down the North-West slope. Being more to the South, I can’t see them over the “shoulder” of the mountain. First we have to get to the top and then follow them… “Lavine!!!” – and we freeze where we are. Avalanche?!? Where? How comes? Impossible! There is no avalanche danger according to all forecasts. And we’ve got some experts on the team who know what they’re doing. And it is such a sunny day, amazing sunny day with a beautiful blue skies and gorgeous mountains all around us. It just cannot be! Or at least, it cannot be that bad… Well, it was bad. It was as bad as it could get. One of us never saw the sky again. No, I haven’t seen the actual avalanche, nor the body of Bernd – only the closed coffin later on. But I’ve seen the faces of my friends. Sabine – his girlfriend – she was swept away by the cursed avalanche as well, but she was on the surface when the snow stopped. I’ve seen her face… He was taken to the hospital by a helicopter with a false hope for a miracle. After a day, when it was clear that the brain is dead, Sabine and Bernd’s parents had to tell the doctors to “switch him off.” His heart was beating, but that was all… Technically he died on 25th. He was 30 years old. Honestly, I didn’t really know him that well. I barely remember his face. It’s Sabine’s face that haunts me once a year, on 24th of February. It’s the though of how fragile human life is. How suddenly and tragically it can come to an end. Someone you love is gone… Forever… Beyond any reach…February 09 Winter in the Library, Lorka and "Seal"My second intersession at IUB I spent in a way that was very different from the first one, with one exception (well, two exceptions, but I won't tell you about the second one :-P) - I spent quite a lot of time in the library. It seems to work some sort of a strange winter magic on me. The silence, the huge glass wall, the bookshelves packed with wisdom, challenge, images of faraway lands and, occasionally, few books that I know and treasure, the pale sky outside, the bare black branches of trees, the day slowly growing dim and the sunset and the dusk, the yellow lights springing up on campus, sometimes even snow - cautious and timid Bremen snow, circling in the air... There is so much space both for studying and daydreaming in winter library, strange as this blend may sound. Speaking about strange blends: there was this song by "Seal" - Kiss from a Rose - I've been listening often recently. You know, sometimes once particular song becomes your favorite and kind of sticks in your head. On the other hand, when I am getting tired of political science I switch to poems by Federico Garcia Lorca. I wish I could read him in Spanish.
And here it comes, out of blue (hmm, in this case out of grey, that's just the color that fits this season, and one of my favorite colors btw.) - a poem, that is a pure plagiarism on "Seal" and influenced by Lorka's style. If you want to ruin my academic career you can report me :-D
What happens when you fall in love...
Oh, did you know
That the world has changed its shades and songs
And when it snows
My eyes are larger, and I see
The light you shine...
December 08 UpdateHaven't updated this place for a while. My last blog is not particularly cheerful either, so I decided I better "change the record."
Finnaly added the "Jonatan Livingston" pictures - I've been planning to create that photoalbumn for a while. I like watching birds fly. Trying to catch that moment with a camera is even more fun. So far I've only been lucky with seagulls: here in Bremen, in Cuxhaven (it was a sunset, I did not play with the colours) and back home in Armenia. We don't have a sea, but we have a beautiful lake, surrounded by mountains. I've never seen any other lake with such a deep blue colour.
I next ambition in photography is to take a picture of a flying eagle or a falcon. I've seen them a couple of times duting hiking trips, but they they keep their distance from humans and I didn't have a good camera at hand. But maybe one day... September 28 Things that hurt- When a friend leaves without saying good-bye.
- When you say: “I miss you” and hear no reply.
- When people build walls around themselves, and you cannot break through, no matter how hard you try.
- When you realize that you are almost always the first one to say hello.
- When you realize that if you wouldn’t say hello, the other person probably wouldn’t even notice you’re around.
- When you realize that someone you care about has no time for you.
- When you realize it is time to let go, give up, walk away and never look back at someone you used to care about. September 11 DreamsMany cultures across this globe believe you can gain new knowledge through dreams. Some psychologists work seriously on analyzing dreams. For myself, I learned long ago to pay attention to my dreams. At minimum they are a good sign of me being stressed or relaxed. Some of my dreams are so wonderful and vivid, that they can be turned into fairy tales. I hope I will still have a chance. During summer I was working on a fantasy story actually based on one of such dreams. Then there are other dreams. I had some of my dreams latter on come true. There is no way around it. There is no rational explanation. It happened. I know it can happen again. Maybe there is a way to improve that skill, but I am not sure I want to. It's like a cold wind into your face: making you suddenly aware of the great world out there, with snow on distant mountains and a grey ocean beating on some unknown shores, but also speaking of dangers. You have to be strong and wise enough to face it. Also, there are dreams that have a meaning but are probably more explainable from psychology point of view. Feelings and emotions break through and crystallize in our dreams, and it's useful to think about such dreams. The trick is to feel that this was an "important" dream rather than just a chain of images. But I believe I somehow got that trick. Some dreams are good at "explaining" how I feel about a particular person. The question is - what do you do with this knowledge or understanding that you gained through your dream? It was, after all, just a dream, even though it became so emotionally tense at some point that I woke up. Can you imagine: Sunday morning at IUB, me being still sick thus needing a lot more sleep than usual, waking up at 8 in the morning because of the dream I had?! That was no ordinary dream and it makes sense to me, but what do I do with it? After all the reality is to be shaped by people, not dreams. September 02 Happy...and sad...and happyBack to IUB and happy I am to be here again. Meeting all the friends is a great feeling. All the friends I said? ... It's werid... I still somehow expect some of those who are not here anymore to show up in the servery, or to bump into them somewhere on capmus. So many new faces, smiling faces, excited faces, confused faces. I know I will make new friends as well. Yet, some people are truly missed. I feel their absence as something very real, despite the usual hyperactive campus life. Some places, little details, words, songs... Can't help feeling sad, even though I know my absent friends moved on to something else, next step in their life, something more interesting. I hope we will stay in touch. A chat on MSN is enough to raise my spirit again. It's a big world be we won't get lost in it - at least for a while still. And happy I am to have such frends.
Good luck and take care July 22 Mediterranean feverIt’s an illness. I inherited it from some unknown ancestors – bless them – from both sides. My doctor says, approximately every 4th Armenian is a carrier of the gene, responsible for this damn thing, but of course, sick persons are not too many. Here in Armenia it’s known as an ‘Armenian’ and as ‘periodic’ coz it strikes with a certain period and coz we thought it exists only among Armenians. Rubbish, of course. Jews also have it. I heard, also Arabs and Turks, don’t know for sure. But it’s almost unknown outside of this region. It’s here, that the mutation occurred some 2000 years ago. It took us many years to figure out what the heck is wrong with me, coz it wasn’t very typical and none in our family has it explicit. They were all just carriers, I guess. And I got one wrong gene form my mom, one from my dad – the two came together and bang! My brother is perfectly alright though. I feel really special. Chosen, hehe. Sometimes it’s fun to say that I am a mutant with a certificate, signed and stamped. It’s not always fun though. From last year on I am constantly on drugs. It’s somehow not easy. And it’s probably for life. It’s not a dangerous thing, but its incurable and my doctor needs to keep an eye on me in case things get worse. Since I am in Germany for the whole year, summer is used for thorough check-up. Gosh, I hate hospitals. Another nasty thing is that this jolly illness has a wide repertoire. Drugs take away the main blow, which used to come once a month and chained me to bed for 2-3 days with a fever, pain, and my stomach going berserk on any sign of food. I’m happy it’s over now. But apart form that, small funny things can happen almost any time. Headaches, dizziness, muscle pain. Minor problems actually, but kind of annoying. Here is a new thing now – I woke up to find most of my joins aching slightly. It’s quite nasty actually. It’s awful when you can’t move the way you want. I started to appreciate a lot my body and the way its build and the way it works when I’m healthy. My 2years old nice is attempting to turn off the laptop. See you latter June 07 A Long Way HomeTechnically, my way home started from yesterday 9:20 a.m. when I cheked out of my dear Mercator College D303 room. Yet, I am still around IUB campus, because my plain leaves from Frankfurt tomorrow (and they managed to re-schedule it from 7a.m. to 3 p.m. :P) The good thing is that I have a nice place to wait till the time comes to get on my train to Frankfurt. I am at the "GSA Lounge" with comfortable couches, hot water, assortiment of good teas and a microwave. The bad thing is that it is kind of cold in here. I never thought I will need my "cold camping" skills here in Germany. And the option of just staying awake and drinking tea the whole night to keep ourselves warm was not there, coz I'll have another sleepless night at Frankfurt airport. That will be too much. Well, we did manage to sleep once we stopped laughting :D I don't remember when I last laughed so hard, for so long and almost for no reason. Even Nika woke up at the sound of our gigling - that's quite an achievement, coz she's a famous sleeper. Carin left at 5 a.m., Nika is catching up with her sleep. She is very disapointed by graduate students. She thought we are serious grown-up people. Haha. Poor girl, seems like she is homeless. Don't know the details though. Anyways, I feel so sory for her. My way home is long, but it has already started and I AM going home, no matter what. In 7 hours the train will take me away from rainy Bremen. Then there will be another long waiting and wandering in Frankfurt and then the plain will take into the sky. I am leaving on a jet plain :D But I know when I'll be back again :)) It's a good feeling - to be on the road. I am starting to get cold again - sitting here with my laptop. I guess I should start worrying about the lunch, but I don't want to wake Nika. Let her sleep while there is still a roof over our head and a silent pause on my long way home. June 04 FriendshipWhat I find most puzzling about friendship, or love, or any human relation for that matter, is that you only know how you feel about the person. You never really know how the person feels about you. If I am asked about my best friends, I can give some names but I rarely am sure that these people would have said the same. Sometimes it bothers me a lot. Not because I want to know for sure what I mean for those I call my friends. Rather, because I am often afraid to become annoying. I don't want to impose myself as a friend, don't really want to bother people. Sometimes, I guess, it gets over a reasonable limit. I rarely ask for help and try to cope with my troubles on my own. Some friends here even get a bit upset with that - they think I don't want to share my pain with them, because I don't trust them. Well' that's just nonsense. But I am what I am, and that puts me often out of the social environment I am in. Yet, I believe, one should give, asking nothing in return. That's how I am trying to be with my friends, that's how my love was and I think (I hope) if there will ever be a new chance, I'll be like that again. But then again, running into walls people build around themselves makes you wonder. Maybe your friendship is unwanted? Comparing to love again - it happens so often that love is unwanted and people prefer to isolate themselves from rather than deal with those who love them. Isn't it the same with friendship? No matter how attached you may feel to some friends, they might just not want you around. I don't really know how to deal with it. How to find out the way people feel about you? My fear of being an intruder into others' lives turns me into a “lonely wolf”. I am left with the old formulae "give and ask nothing in return" and hope that people will tell me, if I am an unwanted friend May 30 Just very tiredVery-very-very tired. I thought I had a nice break with all these end-of-semester parties and summer festivals and lots of small get-togethers. Oh, yes, it was nice. But here we are: it's Monday and it's cold and rainy and I got such a hard feedback from my supervisor. Master Thesis needs at least another 10 pages added to it. And maybe it's doable, maybe if I could finish it if I just pull myself together. But I am so tired - totally spent. Besides, it's not another paper that you submit and forget about it. I could use the whole summer to improve it. And all too well do I know - it needs improvement :D So I give up. No graduation for me this year. There are lots of good reasons for taking it over summer. What makes me really uncomfortable is that I did not fight till the end. I give up on something important for me - for the second time this spring. I gave up on my love - three years of deepest feeling. Now I am giving up on my graduation instead of trying to work during the last day (and night :) ) Am I getting weaker? More realistic? Pragmatic? I used to believe I could do almost everything. May 18 Talking about Let Go...I keep going back there and re-reading it. Silly? Maybe I am silly. Everybody thinks I am tought. Maybe I am just good at pretending to be tought. Never mind. I keep going back and re-reading that entry, because it calms me donw. And because I am trying to learn - there are always things to learn from other people. I am so bad at showing people how much I appretiate them. But somehow it is easier to write than to say, so - here (I don't care if you find it silly) thank you for being there, the way you are. I don't know where I would be this bitter spring if not for you (and few others) I don't know why and for whom you wrote those sentences, but they "ring a bel" to me and thus help me to live yet another day. And I do hope that if it was written for purpose, to encourage and help someone, your efford is appretiated by that someone. It should be! Quote Let Go... May 15 Can't get over itIt keeps coming back... Even breathing becomes painful at times... I wish I could hold the tears. I don't want to cry. I live a normal life and there are busy days and happy days and quiet days, but it keeps coming back and there I am again - trying to fight back the black despair. Why does it hurt so much? Will I ever get over it?... And ... why don't I cry out loud for help? |
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