I wish I could hurt people who hurt me… Seriously… I wish I could hate them. To return somehow the pain they’ve caused me, to make them fully feel it – like I felt it; cry and gasp for air crouched in a dark corner – like I did. Wouldn’t it be fair? Why can’t I? I can be rough with people, I can try and purposively harm those I disapprove of, sometimes I feel outraged by some and I truly hate and curse them, but I cannot bring myself to curse the very few people in my life who’ve seriously hurt me. Why?

I guess because you can’t really hurt me unless you’re very dear to me. I am usually well protected and don’t let my guard down easily. And then it happens I gasp with pain and wish I could hit back. I can’t… I close my eyes and clench my teeth. Doesn’t matter, let it pass, put up a face, fake a smile. I’m hiding my tears not because I’m too proud to cry, but because I don’t want to upset people who made my cry. Isn’t that pathetic? I don’t think they ever know how much they hurt me – these very few, very exceptional people in my life. Why don’t I let them know? Why?